I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
