I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
