i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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