i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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