We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
