the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
