I wanna bring you to show and tell
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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