from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
