i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
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