Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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