We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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