I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
