You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
