this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
