Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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