why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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