In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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