He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
