I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
