i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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