Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
