im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
