shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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