so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
