guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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