Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
