Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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