i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
