Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
