i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
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Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
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That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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