You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
