Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
