Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Houston, we have a blender
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
