My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
