Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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