Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
