i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
