Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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