Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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