she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
