90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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