My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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