Your face is a jimmy john
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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