Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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