I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
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I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
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i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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