I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You did what with his pubic hair?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
