and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
