I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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