dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
