We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
