I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
