I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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