i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
