I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME