Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
