xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
