my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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