I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
