Redeem this text for a blowjob
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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