At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
it's great music for shaving your balls
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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